Sendiri

Mari menyendiri. Di mana saja. Tidak harus di bawah naungan bintang atau matahari senja. Kamu bisa menyendiri di atas meja kamarmu, kantormu, bahkan di tengah pasar malam atau bandara yang ramai.

Menyendiri, kata seseorang, adalah keahlianku. Aku tampak tampan saat melakukannya. Katanya aku menyendiri seperti konduktor yang menundukkan suara semesta (deru motor, klakson mobil, suara peluit tukang parkir, suara ondel-ondel) berorkestra membantu mengkhusyukkan konser kesendirianku yang gegap gempita.

Tentu saja bukan keahlian yang bisa ditulis di Curriculum Vitae.

Menyendiri adalah cara cerdas menyelamatkan harga diri di ujung hari. Setidaknya aku bisa melakukan penawaran dalam diam, merayu agar kuterima saja kekalahan melawan hari ini dengan lapang dada.

Sendiri adalah awal mula dan akhir cerita. Bayi-bayi lahir, orang-orang meninggal dan dikubur, juga sendiri-sendiri. Tak ada yang bawa teman.

Sendiri adalah niscahya. Kelak aku akan tua dan ditinggalkan anak yang kubesarkan dengan cemas dan buku tentang luar angkasa. Mungkin aku akan menunggu kapan akhir pekan, kapan lebaran. Kesendirianku akan penuh riak doa dan cinta. Entahlah, rencana hari tua seharusnya tidak sejanggal ini untuk diceritakan.

Bulan selalu sendiri. Dan dia baik-baik saja.

Lonely Sweet Potato

I am a lonely sweet potato randomly goes to grocery store. Only to make myself less-lonely by meeting a woman who selectively picks her tangerines, or a toddler who screams for more snacks, or cashier– yes, it must be good to meet other people. It will fill up my energy.

But loneliness is a way to pamper yourself, right? Yes, I can do anything by myself! I can… Uhm… Listen to.. The radio, or maybe try walking and find that it is a bless to have neighbors who grow sunflower, and while walking, I can name random stray cat I meet with character from Harry Potter? Brilliant idea.

Yet I feel more lonely. Those all crowds and birds’ chirps along the walk validate my loneliness. Even all the plans are still in my thought.

I should keep a company, maybe. Maybe a cat? No, I am actually afraid of┬ácats. Or… Someone? But wait, will he be okay with me? I mean, look, I am boring and awkward sweet potato. But maybe I can list all the possible small talks that might be interesting.

Okay. Well, um….

There must be something we could talk, right. They say, talk about the day? Oh. Okay, the day. Will it be rain? Is your laundry safe? … Think about something deeper! Deeper! So that he will not be bored.

Okay, what does rain remind you of?

But wait, how if he tells me about something that I don’t wanna hear, like, his past about his first love?

Change question! Okay, let my sweet potato brain think. Books! Talk about books, a history of humankind maybe? No no. I can be drown, I will later question my sanity by offering such suggestion.

So what topic I should bring to the table?

“Miss, it’s Rp 86.000.” Said the cashier.

Oh. Someone is really talking to me. I smile to her widely, it’s like my day is made.

I and he are still there in my thoughts, silently sit to each other. Maybe still compound something to talk. Maybe a debate about how terms “alone and lonely” are completely different, he might think that alone is better that lonely, in a way that alone contains mindfulness. I feel attacked and then I quickly defend myself by blabbering some sloppy arguments about how loneliness is actually human nature.

Or maybe it just end up with no talk at all.

Oh God, even in my thought, I feel a lot lonelier.

Teks dari 2015

Selamat pagi!

Moleskin-ku yang keren punya sebuah halaman kolom tentang fase-fase bulan di tahun 2015. Malam ini, tanggal 6 Juni, katanya bulan akan purnama. Penuh. Aktivitas moon-gazing, atau apapun namanya, mungkin bisa kamu rencanakan. Hm, jika kamu bertanya dan mengkritisi apa kegunaan memandang bulan selain membuat hati semakin mellow, akan kujawab; bulan bisa bikin kenyang. Kenyang.

Nanti malam, mungkin, kamu akan menyimak banyak tulisan atau kutipan tentang bulan itu. Ada yang cheesy, ada yang beneran enak kena di hati. Yang cheesy itu kalau varian red velvet bisa mencapai hampir Rp 100.000.

Ups. Itu terang bulan di wajan-wajan.

Tapi dari berpuluh fullmoon yang lalu, inginku tetap satu;

kita, memandang bulan dari bingkai jendela yang sama–

Halah-halah.