Menutup Pintu

“Tutuplah pintu rumahmu, rapat-rapat.
Aku akan segera datang mengetuknya.
Seusai perjalanan panjang ini – setelah kugenapi
nubuat ini – kukira akan sampai juga saatku untuk kembali.
Tutuplah pintu rumahmu, sedemikian rapat.
Kuncikanlah. Agar dapat kupaksakan hasratku menuju-Mu.”

– Sapardi Djoko Damono.



9 Best Things in 2017

I bump into many postings about people’s best moments in their 2017. Here is the cool thing: I am totally okay with that. Bahaha. No longer feel pressured and urged to share the same thing to prove that I was also doing something cool last year. Xixi. The only one worth compared is my old-self version. I might do the same, but, I share it here in my own blog instead. In attempt to crystalize the learned things into candies and bring them in my pocket to face more adventures in 2018.

Here we go.

  1. I hiked my first mountain in September.
    Masya Allah. A clear memory I had, celebrating my hesitation and excitement on the back of Cikuray mountain. Beautiful night sky, slept in small tent with two adorable women, got to know my brother way better– and his office mates. But I say it’s true that the best thing about hiking is not about the beautiful views, really, it’s about ourself– how we decide, think, and who we really are. We, the three of us; me, my bro, and the marshall Bapa Budi finally chose to stop and prayed Subuh instead continuing our sunrise hunting on the top of mountain. I learned that maybe having sunrise surrounded by stunningly magical carpet of clouds is one of our ultimate goals, but, Allah should come very first. I was just relieved because it also meant some minutes to take a rest after panting in every step, lol.
    I nearly gave up in my second pos, planned to do some fake fainting :’D. Cikuray is crazy mountain for beginners, dummy hikers….. like me. It’s because of its longitude, challenging track, no water resources, you name it. There was a battle I had inside of me. To give up or not, and I’m grateful the later won. I’ve written things about Cikuray experience here.
  2. I decided to not continuing my selection process of something.
    Even it costs many things. Times, money on return tickets (and a missed flight, too), energy, some painful weeps and sobbings, I’m grateful that Allah guided me to choose for myself. I know my reason and the consequences. There are many things to deal with after and it takes maybe forever. Like someone said, it may be a sad-but-challenged situation for me. I’ll just need to make sure that I stick around with Allah. My biggest fear now is when I’m away from Him, when He then just let me go with my own messy decision.
  3. Pinarak Moco: Second library is open!
    I met Bu Wati, Nadya, and Kusna. People with incredible personality wandering around my 2017. Bu Wati, a humble pre-school teacher, along with her husband manage our little library in Jawuh. Letting little readers come to her house until after Isya everyday, keeping the books safe, and encouraging parents nearby to send their children to read books in Jawuh Moco. Haru :’ also Nadya, an energic highschooler and her ForPan Nganjuk for their supports in Pinarak Moco. Last but not least, having Iqbal and Melisa. I’m beyond grateful for Iqbal’s endless question, “Nezh, kapan nak Kweden mane” amidst his tight schedule in his activities, his endurance while driving Surabaya-Nganjuk for countless hours this year, his way of approaching locals (Pak Mudin, Mas Arif…. whom I could never bear with. Wkk..)  and also Melisa, as the one who always spares her time to join us. She can do other things, but she chose to stay and devote herself in this project. They are beautiful.. I hope Allah will accept our deeds and shower us His blessing in every situation.
  4. Forgiving myself
    It’s a job I need to do on daily basis. 2017 is my third year of forgiving myself for being…. stupid. It is painfully funny. Wahaha. But it’s okay, everything happens for a reason, eh? Indeed it gives me a brand new perspective about many things. So, I really cherish my attemps of forgiving myself and saying it’s okay– reassuring myself that I have finished a chapter  in catalogue of my life journey. 2017 is the year when I finally forgive myself. And in 2018, I am ready to fight for people who fight for me. 🙂
  5. Had my first time as a speaker
    It’s amazing, terrifying, exhausting,….. all at once. I enjoyed the rehearsal session with Ms Laili, widening the why– it’s not only delivering the materials but also the passion. Beforehand, due something I needed to finish in office, I stuck in traffic jam . . ….. and finally got to the room 5 minutes before my time. Lel. Surprisingly, the feedback was cool. I’d do more in the future. Ehe. Maybe.
  6. My first antalogy was born
    It’s a very little step that I shouldn’t count as best moment. But, involving myself– even a tiny part in #KataAyah project was very meaningful to me. Both as a daughters who recalled memory of dad’s saying and as a future parent. Beside, it’s little step of making my own book. Ea. Bismillahh..
  7. Travelling to Malaysia with Niswah
    I built a lot of self-dialog through this travel. I carved memories from places I visited, dialects I heard, people I encountered in MRT. Answering questions I’ve been keeping for long time about…. life. It’s kind of spiritual journey. I wrote that experience here.
  8. Join a superdynamic team in TAF English
    When I listened to my friends babbling about how jerk their bosses are, how tired they are of working every single day– without really grasping the idea why they’re doing that job, I am happy I am here.. From the very beginning, I never call myself working, yea. .. frankly I hate that word. It really… sounds so grown ups or adult stuffs. Lel. Being adult is totally boring because they will only be happy with visible and material things. #longlivelittleprince. I’m there to study, to learn and grow myself– and yeah, being paid while doing that is additional plus. I meet my wonderful students. I have enriched my definition of teaching, educating, growing someone’s confidence. I also learn about bussines. Aside of it, I also take a part in growing this organization strategically, creating cool and beneficial projects, not only for business but wider than that. I enjoy the process really much. Its values harmonize with mine.
  9. I have been trying my best to be a better person.
    First, for my self, for not giving up easily on telling people the things that distract me. Even I still have some hesitation in myself, and sometime a sudden grief because of some unnamed issues, I am relieved I always remember that Allah is near. I have Him, and it’s enough.

I know it. Bismillah :3 

9 Best Things in 2017


Besok datang jam 6. Kamis lanjutin presentasi. Thank you ya miss. Sudah cari tahu informasi S2 Unair belum. Nez dia ngechat aku lagi. Hapemu di atas galon. Kon sing ngomong kok ga jadi sedih tapi lucu. Look, look, he RT my tweet. Jam 11 nanti ada pretest. Amah Nezha kamu kapan menikah kamarnya mau buat kita. Maaf mbak tanggal 17 saya ada PKL. I think now i’m at my lowest point of my life. Mboh carane yaopo. Syariah itu di proses. Dua minggu lagi selesai, hehe, bisa lah. Aku merasa sibuk sama dunia, pikiranku gak khusyuk, aku susah ngafalin surat-surat. Mungkin mba nheza bisa bantu memperbaiki. Kamu cerita sama Jid, biar nggak sesek kayak tadi. Kamu ngirim transcript lewat email ta. Miss ayo gae TK. Mungkin itu cara Allah memuliakan beliau. Kok iso ono wong koyok kon. Tugas kita nulis proposal, Allah tinggal ACC. Sad but challenged, then focus on the second part, being challenged. Maaf aku crito hal gak penting maneh. Bedakan dulu validasi sama butuh dukungan Nez. Mam Rov gak bisa kalau gak sama Nezha. Dek kita di masjid Alfalah ya, jam 18.30 dimulai insya Allah. Kalau meningkatkan internal motivation gimana ya. Congratulation if you’re graduating, we’d like to see your pics, please tag them up. Jam piro iki mah. Palestina bagaimana aku bisa melupakanmu iki buagus. I feel like I owe it them, but I dont know how to give it back.

I’m not good at telling stories, I am a messy eater, half the time I dont make sense and I know I frustrate you a lot, but I do adore you. 


D+2 Discussion 

Besok hari Selasa. 
Waktuku bertemu Pak Victor, seorang religius yang suka menyanyi dan senang bercerita, Ruri– dokter gigi muda fans Arashi band Jepang yang sebenarnya tidak suka jadi dokter gigi–menunggu akhir bulan ini untuk interview beasiswa researcher-nya di Jepang, juga Fariz, anak muda yang tengah merintis bisnis fashion idealis dan terbatas–old fashion denim.

November, hampir tepat satu tahun aku ada di tempat ini. Banyak hal terjadi, ada yang menyenangkan, ada yang………….. biasa aja. Pernah jengah setengah mati, ingin pergi besoknya, namun bertahan karena masih ingin menyimak kuliah manajemen gratis dari ibu-ibu humble yang kebetulan jadi petinggi sebuah kampus ekonomi. Pernah ingin menangis, saat orang-orang di depanku bercerita tentang mimpinya yang tengah ia perjuangkan, dan faktanya adalah aku bertugas membantu mewujudkannya. Mimpi yang mimpiku juga.  

Seperti kamu membuat jembatan pendek, memastikannya kuat untuk dilewati. Setelah selesai, kamu mundur, mempersilakan yang lain lewat terlebih dahulu. Dan kamu menatap mereka dengan rasa yang bercampur aduk. Mereka menoleh, mengucapkan terima kasih dengan tulus.

I can’t even name it.  But, it might be happiness–in a new form I haven’t recognized.

And in the same time, I try to always remember that it’s all because of Him. He let me do it.  No, it’s not because of me, but it’s all over Him.

Thank you Allah for choosing me. Give me ridha and your barakah. That’s all what I ask.

Before a dramatic discussion I had with my beloved one, I passed many ups and downs all by myself, bumped into strange places in Jakarta, stuck in many early and late flights.

Allah has guided me to decide. I dont know what gonna be happened later, but I just believe that good things will come. Maybe it’s not easy, but..  i think it’ll be worth to dream and fight for.

I might have hestitation in the future, or dissapointed, or feel so damn tired. But yeah, I’ve burnt the bridge. I know my reason, I’ll train myself to embrace any hows.


D+2 Discussion 

Perihal Ingin Kita

Aku janji,

akan ada masa kita akan menertawai kekhilafan kita– aku yang akhirnya menemukan polamu dan kau yang akhirnya mengetahui keinginan Allah pada doa-doamu. 

Aku janji, aku akan mengantarmu pada masa dimana tak ada lagi kerisauan tentang hal-hal esok,  doamu terjawab dengan cara yang luar biasa indah. 

Aku janji, kau akan menghabiskan masamu dengan bahagia dan lega.  Kau akan ketahui ternyata kekhawatiranmu tidak terbukti, bahwa kesabaranmu berbuah manis sekali.  

Bahwa aku tidak apa-apa. Tidak berada di situasi merisaukan yang kautakuti.  

Aku bahagia dengan makna yang awalnya terlalu abstrak untukmu, tapi kau kemudian jelas mengetahui, aku bahagia. 

Dan kau tak risau. Dan kau aman.  

Aku mencintaimu, terima kasih sudah menjagaku dengan doa-doamu.  

Perihal Ingin Kita

Petunjuk dari Jakarta

Aku sudah sering ke Jakarta.

Sejak SMA, mulai dari alasan dulin–main, mengantar ibu survey studio Mamah dan Aa–wkk, nonton Ustadz (tapi ternyata acara dibatalkan H-1 karena sebuah aksi terjadi), sampai tes atau wawancara sesuatu.

Saat pertama kali, aku berangkat dengan penuh prasangka terhadap kota ini. Jakarta bagiku bersinonim dengan jarak sosial, egoisme, tak acuh, polusi, korupsi….  dan hal negatif lainnya. Saat itu, dengan mobil yang terjebak macet, aku melihat seorang pengendara motor yang terserempet, namun yang nyerempet kabur aja.  

Kamu pasti udah lihat iklan Meikarta? Lol. Nha. Kira-kira yang kurasakan tentang Jakarta mirip  yang dilihat adik itu.  (Ew iki kok aku promosi?  – -)

Namun, berbeda dengan minggu lalu.  

Aku berangkat dengan hati yang luar biasa biru, gembuk, dan siap ambyar kapanpun. Banyak pertanyaan dan keresahan yang kubawa, erat kugenggam di sepanjang kereta yang berjalan ke barat. Ini perjalanan solo– ke Jakarta — kesekianku, dan rasanya berbeda.

Qodarullah, Allah mempertemukanku dengan banyak manusia, menyimak kisah, dan seperti sengaja melibatkanku dalam alur pikiran mereka. Titik-titik yang acak di otakku, perlahan terhubung dan menemukan garis konstalasinya. Walau samar,  kurasa aku bisa sedikit membaca utuh. Saat kembali dari perjumpaan dengan manusia-manusia luar biasa yang Allah pilih itu, aku berusaha untuk merapihkan memori pertemuan itu di otak. Menyimpannya rapi– yha dengan analogi sederhanaku, kunamai foldernya: Untuk di Ingat – Memoar dari Jakarta. Wkk. 

Walau belum terjawab semua, tapi aku cukup senang. Mungkin Allah sedang memberi petunjuk lewat mereka, dan sungguh aku bersyukur menyadari kemungkinan itu.

Salah satu dari mereka, di sebuah DM Instagram pernah memberitahuku sebuah lagu yang keren sekali. Katanya lagu itu akan mengingatkan kita untuk menelaah lagi alasan kita bangun setiap hari: memilih untuk menjaga idealisme atau meninggalkannya di meja lalu bersiap pergi menembus kemacetan jalan raya.

Kamu harus cek lagunya disini.

Petunjuk dari Jakarta


Aku mengenal seseorang yang sangat baik. Ia terkenal karena kebaikannya menolong teman, adik, dan biasa jadi mediator di berbagai permasalahan, dipercaya mengambil keputusan,  penengah pertengkaran, dan juga pembangun jembatan di keluarganya. Ia dikenal pula dengan keluasan ilmu dan kesediaannya berbagi cara melihat dunia.

Setiap bicara dan berkomunikasi dengannya, aku selalu dibuat wow dengan kompleksitas yang ia miliki. Ia begitu kuat, namun disaat yang persis sama, tampak bisa runtuh saat itu juga.

Katanya, ia percaya padaku. Ia percaya dengan hal-hal abstrak dan bising di kepalaku. Sungguh aku bukannya sok kritis– kurasa ia hanya ingin membuatku merasa lebih baik. Namun, entah mengapa aku mudah saja menerima hal itu. Dengan orang lain, mungkin aku nyengir dan bilang, “Eh, tidak usah repot-repot. Aku bisa melakukannya kok tanpa validasi darimu.” 

Berbeda dengannya. Sudah kuanggap ia bersungguh-sungguh mengutarakannya. Dan kalaupun tidak, yah… Aku tetap harus berterima kasih, karena ia meluangkan waktu untuk mendengarku, menunggu penjelasan yang sepotong dan ambigu, bahkan sempat menagihnya. Seperti mozaik pikiran recehku itu hal yang penting saja. 

Pun kalau ia hanya melaksanakan tugas menjadi orang baik, aku tetap harus berterima kasih. Karena melakukan rutinitas menjadi orang baik di zaman yang seperti saat ini itu pasti melelahkan.

Terima kasih ya sudah mencatatku di daftar orang yang harus disapa dan ditanya-tanya.

Darinya, aku mengerti bahwa sometimes we are clueless about ourselves. We don’t know we have this particular side of us, exists. It took our energy, flesh to bone. I might never neglect it. Aside of the mess it made, it is quirky, perplexing, and at the same time, it’s heart-warming. 

I embrace its existance.

Kuharap ia selalu baik-baik saja. Ah, ia akan selalu baik-baik saja. Dia punya Allah.

So again, thank you! It’s been really nice to meet you.