Months after your presence in this whole new world, I kinda obliviate some uneasy memories related to your birth. And no, that was not your fault, or my fault. We two had difficult journey. But thank Allah, now we– or I, can talk about it in just daily tone. I guess I am a master of story telling about my delivery.
And I still remember vividly how difficult it was to connect to you by heart. I just thought that I need to follow the script written for me– loving you. It was scary at times, but I am glad that I didn’t give up finding out.
Some say that it is only the brave who can love, so I hush my fear little by little. I tried to find out what actually happened to you, to me.
Along the way, I know that I have this little kid inside me who craves for attention and love. This little kid was hiding when I feel great or useful– well, when I did something that I think good, or when I learn those parenting lectures. But in my mind, she came up spontaneously in the middle of my presentation. Just like that annoying friend you considered a rival, testing you some questions that you don’t know the answer. It’s kinda hard to acknowledge that you have this impostor relationship syndrome to build an assertive communication to your spouse and child. I find it funny to realize that self-love— which I thought I confidently own before these new roles come—- now is confusing to define. It all leads to a question, who am I really? And I am still on that journey to find and love my new version. To remember the pounding heart feeling comes alive again, in me. Everyday I try to fill my cups of love. In every way possible.
But you know what, it is so easy to love you. It is so easy to remember all the details of your face. That you have a really smooth eyebrows, that when you smile widely, your eyes shaped a crescent, that I don’t know whether it’s a pair of dimples or just chubby cheeks you have, i’ll wait few more years
It is so easy to love you, and by the time, I am surely sure that I love you so much, that I want to scream it on the top of the mountain. It’s an overwhelmed beautiful feeling I’ve ever known. I love you this big and no one has ever seen this big.
I love you in a point that I am afraid I make mistakes in loving you. But I’ll love you anyway. Previously I’ve learnt that it is perfectly fine to feel lost in this whole journey of loving. That it is okay to admit mistakes and go on.
That somehow such intense emotion or misunderstanding is a wave, not the ocean. It’s a cloud, not the sky.
I can’t wait to listen to all your stories. I am going to be your number one fan, before anyone else.