Negativity

I’ve been feeling so negative these days. Been trying to put it on a microscope, figuring out what actually bothers me.

I still don’t know.

Maybe it all rooted from someone I respect discouraged me by her saying, or when a neighbor said Langit looked thinner, or when our AC was totally broken and we have to normalize sleeping with sticky body, or when I thought that some people bodyshame my baby secretly. While in the sametime trying to pull all my courage and reframing all of them.

Langit is on his track, gaining weight accordinglh. The majority of people in Jakarta dont have AC and they’re still… alive. And … maybe yea some people baby shamed Langit, but I will never let anything like that harm him.

They say, happy mums raise happy kids. Need to put it in deeper reading. Happy mum will try her best to be the best version of her and raise her children in such enlighting way. Without letting any emotional wound left. Baby will grow as a happy, content human being continuing life bravely.

Being a parent is my most emotional journey so far. Sometimes many questions crossed in my mind. Do I deserve this baby? How if I want to quit? Is this anxiety comes because I’m unprepared intellectually? Am I doing it right? Can I really love Langit and not expect anything from him? Is it really OK not giving him piles of toys like neighbor baby? Is it acceptable if Langit wears secondhand clothes/chair?

I do have reasons and I am pretty much confident about what I do to my baby. We hold values and want Langit believes in it too.

But yes, sometimes it’s not that easy. It aint never be, to control what we think. Sometimes I want to be reminded. Sometimes I just need an extra break. Maybe some other times I just want my husband fills my thrist of validation. Sometimes I just want a good and long cry. Or having a great time with mum friends who’ve been there, done that. Or chatting randomly with some besties.

I think watching a film or an episode of series in Netflix can really help to uplift mood, and having a sweet terang bulan keju. What an escape.

But maybe this time, I want to sit with my negativity.

Author: nezhafath

a klepon-hearted

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