Title maybe later

So I am trying to navigate my morning feeling today:

It starts with young girl whom I have intellectual-and-personality crush on recently, shares how bored she is waiting for her train to Bandung, then she draws some cute illustration in IGS, and then adds one selfie with some words about being confused of going to Niki’s concert or not.

Look, she’s so beautiful with that natural make up, square glasses, and witty and talented and funny and smart and if I go to her captions, I definitely fall deeper. How thoughtful, how stunning her wording are.

I dont know which hormone works in regularing same-sex adoring, but if I were a guy, this girl definitely my favorite and If I were crazy enough, I’d fall for her and find a way to reach her and introducing myself in the most natural and handsome way– or, if that plan is too stupid, I’d just find someone like her in real life. One or two similarities is okay, maybe not her appearance, but her love for writing, or her way of comforting herself.

I will not deny this morning fact, that, I am jealous of her.
it’s somehow funny realizing that I dont get easily jealous with those young mums making out the best of herself taking care of her family and children.

(eh, or.. not yet…)

I am jealous of this girl, a year younger than me, an author of many children books I read years ago, now growing up as a beautiful and talented and smart and funny young woman, with a very chic yet humbling style, working in one of decacorn startups, only kms away from my place now, as a writer, UX writer, to be precised.

Yes, I ignore other hidden and undisplayed facts that might happen, and only focus on how she performs herself in her platform. And yes, she’s so awesome.

I dont know, maybe this person is the person that I secretly wish I become, or it is just another insecurity, or other.

But I found this confession is liberating me. 😅 and like other similar feeling come to me, I will not deny them. I like to scrutinize it inch by inch, and find what actually bother me most.

It’s not comparing, I guess.
It’s a way of myself taking a step back, to recall all brave decisions I’ve made, and retrieved one or two warm-hearted words from my people who tame me voluntarily.

So I can shoulder-tap me and say,
“Hey Nezha, it’s okay. You are in the process of becoming too, I’m proud of you. Don’t give up on yourself ya. Keep on learning, keep on creating meaning in everything. Someone watches you, Langit watches you, maybe like those quotes say, mother means universe to her child. Is it? Wow it sounds cool to be someone’s universe….. But, do I deserve that?”

Lah.. jadi galau lagi belakangnya. 🤣🤣
udahan dulu.

Author: nezhafath

a klepon-hearted

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