A Bizarre Thought of Being Someone’s Mom

Tadi sore aku melihat keponakan termudaku, Ashima, merangkak menuju kulkas dengan lamat dan mantap. Kuperhatikan lekat-lekat caranya memegang ujung kulkas, mengamati tutup galon (lalu mengulumnya serta merta), dan menjaga keseimbangannya dari jauh. Mahluk mungil itu begitu aktif, matanya bulat berbinar ketika melihat apapun (apapun.) dan entah mengapa tampak begitu luar biasa. Kombinasi sifatnya menakjubkan, melatih kesabaran orang dewasa di sekelilingnya. Dan ia terus bertumbuh.

Lalu aku tiba-tiba disergap haru yang kuat dan asing.

Jika aku ditakdirkan menikah dan memiliki anak, akan… menjadi orang dewasa macam apa aku? Layakkah manusia sepertiku dengan karakteristik serta kebiasaan yang… begini… mendapat amanah maha berat seperti bertanggung jawab atas satu nyawa manusia beserta seperangkat keajaiban di kepalanya? Memenuhi fitrahnya sebagai hamba Allah? Menjaga tanpa melukainya?

Layakkah aku?
Motivasi ini yang lebih membuatku terceples sampai pusing dan juga mendorongku untuk melakukan yang lebih dari saat ini.

Somehow it is because of you, I am ending up regretting my wasted time of crumbling over these… things. It is because of you, I am learning how to be… at least a good person for you — even I am still figuring out how to be a good daughter. Thinking of you indeed bring me to the feeling of being in a hot air balloon. Overwhelmed feeling, like.. “whoa! whoa!” yet it is scary as hell.

It is because of you, I regain my energy.
I even challenge myself to be lost in the jungle. So that I’ll survive. Then my name will be on the newspaper and museum. “Me, as The One Who Survives in the Jungle.” So that, finally I have a grass of bravery to be proud of — in front of you. You gonna hear me tell you proudly: Yes kid, I am that-person-who-survives. Cool, eh?

You deserve to be accompanied by a great survivor, the one who knows how to read a map and compass — you probably lost in the future, but you will always know the way to our home — the one who recites you a funny story out loud in the dark of jungle, so that you’ll feel you are not alone, because there is a voice with you. The one who makes you realizes that the universe lies in every little thing that people ignore. The one who brings you to the most outstanding journey of  lost and found in glorifying Allah.
The one who shows you how wonderful it is, to be a strong believer.

You deserve to have a very cool friend.
I hope I deserve to be that friend.

Berpikir tentang keniscahyaan menjadi seorang ibulah yang jauh membuatku lebih bersemangat untuk memperbaiki diri. Bi idznillah.

I love you this big. No one has ever seen this big. Still not really sure how this feeling works, but.. I’ll absolutely try.

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A Bizarre Thought of Being Someone’s Mom

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